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I’ve Finally Forgiven My Ex … Here’s Why

by | May 19, 2016

In order for us to move on in life, we must understand and accept that the past is in the past. Easy for some to say and do but in reality this can be a huge obstacle to overcome.

I always thought that forgiving others was a sign of weakness on your part. That by forgiving their actions, words, or mistakes it’s like you’re kind of rolling over and saying ‘it’s fine for you to treat me like this,’ but, what I’ve learnt the older I’ve got is that actually by forgiving others we can forgive ourselves and take that important step to moving forward and living the most kick-ass lives we can.

I mean, think about it – why would you want to hold onto nasty hateful feelings, stewing over how hard done by you’ve been? Why would you want to fill your mind and use your energy with negative thoughts about others that you cannot change? Why would you want to punish yourself because of what others did to you in the past, believing that you are worthless or unable to be happy again?

I forgive my ex for what he did.
I also forgive myself for my own past decisions that I’ve taken.

II have been portrayed as this strong, fearless ‘Backpacking Bridget Jones’, I admit that at times that character couldn’t have been further from the truth

Both these things took me a long time to come to terms with saying and 100% believing. It also took a while to realise that there are no villains or saints in a break-up, only two people who once were so in love now figuring out how they have got into such a mess and lost themselves along the way. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect, meaning that no breakup will be perfect either, especially when words are used as weapons and your whole outlook on life has been drastically rocked by this one person who before was your world and now is a complete stranger.

When I was deep and lost in my heartbreak, my head was in a very raw and almost destructive mind-set meaning I partied way too much, I drank to feel numb and I hung out with unsuitable people. I made decisions without thinking of how it would affect me in the future and I certainly didn’t have the clarity of mind to stop and think if what I was doing was going to benefit me in any way other than to escape my racing anxious mind from going over and over what had happened.

Being totally honest with you, I did go to quite a dark place during this time but I also realised that I was not going to stay there forever. The thing with a break-up is there are no rules to how you’re going to feel or act, and yes even though I have been portrayed as this strong, fearless ‘Backpacking Bridget Jones’, I admit that at times that character couldn’t have been further from the truth.

I’m telling you this because I want you to realise that if you’re currently going through a break-up, a separation or a divorce then you will have these moments when you wobble too. And this is ok. You need to reach the bottom in order to come back up, and let me tell you, when you do find the strength and the determination to step out from the person you’ve found yourself into the person you want to be – that is the best feeling!

 

It is you and only YOU who can make the choice to move on from your past and find forgiveness. The only way to claw back control that has been snatched from you is by waking up and realising that you are strong, you are worth more and you deserve to live the fullest and happiest life that there is. This clearing of your mind may be a dramatic overnight switch or it may be a long slow burner until you realise that you no longer want to throw the radio across the room when you hear that song, or you no longer get that tight ache in your chest when someone mentions your ex’s name etc.

In finding forgiveness I’ve realised that I don’t want to live a life of regrets over the things I did or didn’t do in the past. We all act in ways that reflect our naivety or our emotional state at the time which, when you get older, you look back on and cringe about. But the thing is when you make a choice you have to live with the consequences. At the end of the day we all make mistakes but we can all learn important life lessons from these actions. In that respect, why would you want to regret something if it has changed the way you are right now for the better?

Beating yourself up over decisions you made and choices you wish you hadn’t won’t help you move on.

Forgiveness is in fact not for cowards or the weak, it takes a strong person to stand up and say they will not let the past affect their future. Who wouldn’t want to be that strong person! If I could insert the fist pump emoi here then I would. Forgiveness isn’t easy or quick but it is essential if you want to live the best life you can. I’m proof of that.

This isn’t my usual style of blog post but as I’ve received so many messages asking how I survived being ‘jilted’ since my story hit the media I thought it might be helpful for me to share some relationship advice as well as taking you along on my travel and writing journey.  If you’d like to see more posts like this then please let me know by contacting me using any of the links below!

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6 Comments

  1. Enrico

    I’m living exactly the same feeling as you, and I think you are absolutely right. Nevertheless it’s not so simpe … But let’s try, give forgiveness a chance! Thanks for this post, it really helps! 🙂

    Reply
  2. Claudia

    You, I, We did a journey inside ourselves. It was sad, uneasy, difficult but in the end we come back home. A new big bright home. The storm is over and we become stronger. Thank you!

    Reply
  3. Pita Permatasari

    My fiance cheated on me (he slept with his ex, actually) two weeks after our engagement, and I know three weeks before our wedding and the wedding invitations has distributed to all of our family and friends. Finally, I decided to cancel our wedding ceremony. And I know this is my best decision ever. Currently, I try to negotiate with my heart to forgive him, to accept my conditions, to back in my normal life. It is hard for me that we cancel our marriage because I have give my resignation letter to my offcie, find our new home (and I have packed my stuffs for that), etc. My life just a mess.. But I know, this is the God’s plan to make me stronger. Thank you Katy for the article. warm regards, from a fragile girl in Indonesia.

    Reply
    • Roel Balauta

      What a strong woman. You’ve certainly made the best decision in your life as it was God’s way of getting rid of the people that doesn’t deserve you. Congratulations!

      Reply
    • Notwedordead

      Sending you all my love and thoughts Pita xx

      Reply

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